Ирина Шрейнер Меня очень утомили разнообразные вариации на...

Irina Schreiner

I was very tired of various variations on the theme that “it is really easy to raise children,” and if it’s hard for mom, it’s something wrong with mom. Especially when references to "but earlier ... (milking a cow, plowing a garden plus seven on benches) begin, but now ... (diapers, kindergartens, a vacuum cleaner, microwave)."

No, children did not become easier to raise. Children have become much harder to raise.

First, the absolute amount of resources required to raise a child has increased. Agree, there is a difference, you grow up as a result of the peasant Vasya, for whom the three classes of the parish school are oh what education (you can do without it), and the question of cultural rest comes down to visiting a tavern, fist fighting " wall to wall "and other things" drove our urban. " Or do you grow up at least a Vasya auto mechanic with secondary vocational education (a total of 12 years of training) and want his life to have other interests besides, excuse me, booze and massacre. I’m not talking about dreams of raising Vasil Vasilich with a high school without a high school. And now I'm not talking about material resources at all! That is, the issue of "well-dressed-healthy" I do not touch.

It takes an order of magnitude more time, emotional and intellectual resources to grow one representative of the “homo sapiens” species. And, by the way, let's face it: in those bucolic old days, as soon as the family went beyond the framework of direct survival and wanted Vasya a little cooler than “to drink beer and fight”, the nannies, tutors and boarding houses immediately began. At worst - a cook in the role of household appliances.

Secondly, any modern mom has a Universal Resource Absorber: responsibility. Let's see where he used to be and where he came from. What happened before?

Time. Extended family and neighborhood community. What is in the village, what is in the city: a handicraft quarter, a settlement - a kind of association of people in a circle of “their own” according to one or another principle: social, professional, family ... In accordance with this, a non-zero number of people took part in the care, supervision of the child, and upbringing . Accordingly, there is a division of responsibility for the child into n persons.

Two. The older generation. Until very recently, changes in the conditions of life did not occur at such a speed, and intergenerational translation of experience made sense. Purely domestic, practical experience. How to swaddle, than feed, where to look ... Now 80% of the experience of the previous generation has simply lost its relevance. While you rely on the experience of the older generation, you again share responsibility for the outcome of your actions and choices with someone. By and large - with a cultural tradition. She is no more. The experience of the older generations as a shield and support is also no more.

Three. Significantly less options and significantly narrower choice. Even if we assume that “then” the child was in danger of much more dangers (which is in itself debatable), the possibilities to prevent them were much less. Man simply could not do anything. Unless to perform some rituals to reduce anxiety. There is no way to influence the situation - there is danger, but there is no responsibility. There can be no responsibility where there are no tools to influence reality. To do or not to get vaccinated? .. The choice? The choice. A responsibility? A responsibility. And when there are no vaccinations? Yes, there is a danger of the disease. But there is no choice, no responsibility. Fear? You are welcome. Fatalism? As much as you like. But there is no responsibility.

One of the worst human fears is the fear of losing control. But he needs at least the illusion of control over the situation. Again, rituals and rituals work well to reduce anxiety. Alas, we are already too rational to believe in them, but still not enough to not need them. Raise your hand, who will feel better if they embroider a charm in the form of a duck on a baby’s diaper? .. Again, that same cultural tradition and intergenerational experience did not give a special “fork” for choice. It was clearly known how to. And now there are so many techniques, trends and directions that the ears fade. Is there a choice now? Yes, not the right word! You can drown in it. And where there is a choice - there is responsibility for its consequences.

And this is not to mention the fact that in general the emphasis of responsibility has shifted to mom. Does the grandmother create any nonsense, feed the child allergens or plant for cartoons? Who's doing nonsense? Granny. Who is responsible? Mum. Control your grandmother or do not trust her child. Your responsibility. The doctor made a mistake. Who is wrong? Doctor. Who is responsible? Mum. Not so the doctor chose. Well, yes, precisely because there is a choice now. It’s good when there is a choice. But the responsibility from this does not become less. Its getting bigger. Even in the case of a lack of material resources, society does not help mom. It punishes her. Because she was guilty and could not cope with responsibility.

And what was not "in the old, old days, when ..."? Did not have