СРАВНЕНИЕ - МАТЬ НАСИЛИЯ "Посмотри, какая красивая девочка!...

COMPARISON IS THE MOTHER OF VIOLENCE

"Look, what a beautiful girl! It's because she's in a dress," I heard, and again "old yeast fermented."

Step by step, we drive children into an inferiority complex. Consistently and systematically. It will manifest itself in study, friendship, love. Because we are. We do not know how to do otherwise and do not want to learn. There is no need, we somehow live! Somehow ...

The position of a person who has grown up in constant comparison and evaluation will never be "I live here and now", "I feel good" "I feel it like that", but only - I am worse (better) "," they did not look at me that way " , "I look like a complete idiot", "finally my mother called me a good fellow", "I have to be hungry", etc.

The trick of the trap is that we ourselves become entangled in our own manipulations. So, in one situation we easily say "Look how N. is doing well", and in another we do not allow the child to say "Everyone got Cs for the test, and N. too." In the second case, we immediately parry: "I am not interested in others - I have my own son!" How! Not interested! On the contrary, this is the only thing that interests me now. And the last one is my son's feelings. I am worse than others! I'm a bad parent! What will happen if everyone finds out .... I just myself, as a father, is not able to cope with my own feelings. And the comparison and evaluation tool is always at hand. But how! How many years have been taught!

Constant comparison eats away at the soul more abruptly than violence. It is, in a sense, the mother of violence. With the difference that in a situation of violence they put pressure on me, and when they teach me to constantly compare, I start to put pressure on myself. Is always. Moreover, unlike reflection, when a person tries to figure out his own desires and motivations, here we only do what we suffer. And there is no road in this: flour does not lead anywhere. Even if I learn to fly to rub my nose with a friend, my pleasure will be short, dubious and aggressive. After all, it was not I who learned to fly - it was my friend who taught me.

One of the results of this approach, we often observe: "I have a new typewriter," the boy happily says in the morning. "And mine is even better! They will buy me two! You have a bad car" - options for answers. At the same time, of course, the normal reaction of a free person is: "Cool car! Glad for you! Let me play! Great!" etc. Don't we want that? Or does our own inferiority complex no longer allow us to even want?

To accustom a person to be better than everyone else means to put him in a difficult situation forever. Strictly speaking, from that moment on, it begins to exist only on the condition that others exist. There are no more joys, sufferings, successes. There are only comparisons, some solid comparisons. "The boy doesn't cry!" And here I am, crying! Can you imagine ?! I'm crying! Because it hurts! I need warmth and help, not comparison! "That's what a beautiful girl in a skirt", - But I really like pants. Do you want to speak to the point? Speak! Let's argue! And the girl has absolutely nothing to do with it.

I know, I know in advance examples that will give me: Mozart and the like. If, they say, they had not been forced to be better than others, nothing would have come of them ... Not true! First, we do not know what would have worked and what would not. And secondly, I don’t know more unhappy people than some “better than others”.

The inability to accept ourselves, our thoughts, our feelings is killing a whole generation before our eyes. From what crazy complex of comparison does the principle "all Americans are shit" appear? What self-deprecation grows out of the formula "We will tear everyone apart"! Not "I can, because it is important to me", but "we will tear someone", because this is the only chance to BE for me .... But from what: comparison inevitably leads a person to humiliation of others, to hatred, to the final losing yourself if there is no one to compare with. Comparisons are naturally in their favor. And at any cost.

"In work we are like in an ice hole, in bed we are like in war" (c). Wonderful result.

The need to constantly prove everything in the world - to dad, teachers, friends - destroys our children. Man finally loses the right to selfhood. An independent self.

“And I can defeat everyone, but she cannot,” a little boy says to me, pointing at his sister and seeking my approval. Do you think this is his nature? Reassuring yourself that it was not you who taught him? How are you! And we are all.

Isn't harmony the true criterion of success, the ability to correctly choose what a person likes, the ability to correspond to himself?
Yes, often hearing and embodying your own aspirations is no easier than defeating a mythical enemy (having invented it, of course). But the result is incomparable, and so is the pleasure. And getting this pleasure requires, first of all, inner freedom. Which manifests itself only under the condition of the existence of the human right to oneself. No conditions and contributions. No neighbor boy and medal daddy. Just. Because this right is by nature. Because with him we are born.

Maybe you shouldn't take it away?

Author: Dima