Фаик Алиев. Из неизданного. Good morning everyone, who...

Фаик Алиев. Из неизданного.

Good morning everyone, who has nothing to do, but checks out facebook feed. I have a little thing to share with you, folks.
Being a geek and having a very boring job, which contradicts the natural desire of survival and puts suicide in line with "good ideas", such as quitting smoking and doing exercise in the morning, I spend the majority of my free (and not so free) time on the Internet. And sometimes, when I finish browsing funny cat pictures, I find myself reading blogs and even (I am truly ashamed of admitting this) Facebook feed. And the recent trend of articles surprised me. Let's talk about it, shall we?

Apparently, it became popular for female internet activists (or FIA for short) to write about problems with modern men. As we all know, women are the experts in finding everything wrong in men, that's what they were built for. And we can't forget how narcissistic every man is, especially if left alone with a giant mirror. So yes, I can admit, men do have some blind spots when it comes to self-gap-analysis. "So what exactly surprised you, you faggot?" - you ask. Well, first of all, I am not a faggot, although recently in a computer game I promised to help somebody and then just watched him die, because it was fun, and for this type of behavior was asked “to eat a dick” by all of my teammates. But the point being, I love women as every straight man that follows The International Council of Men Laws does. If a girl replies to the question “What do you want for Christmas?” with “If you loved me, you'd know what I want!” - I’ll get her an Xbox.

The articles I read, and I read quite a few, had a lot in common, at first I even suspected it was all written by one person. Main ideas were the following: men cannot be trusted, men are self-centered, men never grow up and the best one: MEN FORGOT WHAT IT MEANS "TO BE A MAN". All ideas were based on life stories, examples and general knowledge of men’s brain structure (sex, food and beer). I can't say I was offended by these articles. I still think that computer games and cartoons are the best things in life (except cocaine, right fellas?!), I do love beer and my porn collection occupies 40 gigabytes of my hard drive. Also, I cheated on my girlfriend once and then confessed everything and she wasn't really impressed by my honesty. She called me a fat liar (it was true, I weighed about 85 kilos back then) and promised to become a lesbian, because "all men are pigs". Unfortunately, we lost contact, so I can't check her sexual orientation, but I truly hope it worked for her, although I am not sure that’s how lesbian community works. (“You were cheated on by a guy? You think all the men are pigs? Then you’re welcome!”). But, getting back to the original subject, the idea of women knowing what being a man is surprised me. Why? Well, I find it ridiculous. Women can't know what features and responsibilities come with having the wang-dang-doodle (i.e. the D, peenus, one-eyed snake, The Stick of Truth or in my case “Faik Junior”). And not because women are dumb or anything (I honestly think women are smarter. I actually held an independent research, asking random people how many calories are there in a fruit yogurt – women 10, men 0, so check-mate, male activists) but because they don't have it. Can you imagine if I write a book "What you're going to feel when giving birth”? (“Ladies, from what I know, you’re gonna feel the pressure”) How many women would read that book? The correct answer is 1 – my mother, because she is proud of me and reads everything I write and then lies to me, that it wasn’t complete crap. But in this case, I can assure you – even she wouldn’t like it. You know why? Because I have no idea what it is like! It is a unique experience, which you have to live through to talk about, and therefore man’s opinion is worth nothing in this case. Same thing goes here. You’re not male? So you don’t know what it is like to be one and how to perform the upgrade process from a boy to a man.

Also what I read in these posts wasn’t really the research “What a Grown Man Should Look Like and Act Like”. More like a description of an ideal man for those women in particular and what FIA expect him to do. But newsflash ladies! Ideals change. At the age of 12 I was dreaming of a girlfriend, who would exist in reality. A couple of years later I added “pretty face” to the list of my demands. Nowadays I am in search for a girlfriend with beautiful face, perfect body, who likes same TV-series, as me, enjoys computer games, black humor. And she also has to be kind, sincere, funny, smart and so on. So, you know, I am expecting to meet her as soon as I leave the office. Every day. My point is - a man who seems to you ideal right now and right there will no longer seem so once your life situation changes.
However, I do agree with the statement, that men are self centered and childish in general. Because one of the main conditions of being Da Man is growing up. But face (hehe buttface!) it – growing up sucks. Less fun, more responsibilities. Not to mention a rapid decline in probability of becoming a super hero. It’s a painful sacrifice. A boy chooses to undergo this terrible metamorphose, when he meets the One (or X-box One in my case).

And here’s a tip for all the women. Even if we’re being not mature at all – we still like being called Da Man. And even if you actually don’t think so, you can lie. After all, it’s a two way street anyway. You must have heard things like: “Yes, honey, I would love to go shoe shopping with you”. Well then, now it’s your turn to lie your arse off (Lie, Forest, lie!!!!).

P.S. And last observation. Most of the women writers, responsible for mentioned articles, are single. Of course, of course… it has nothing to do with their creation. But maybe, just maybe… if they enjoyed an orgasm recently, they wouldn’t have written anything at all. Am I right, fellas?