И смотришь ты на себя со стороны…..Нет, не...

And you look at yourself from the side ... ..No, not that you would constantly do this. Only occasionally, when she is sad, from the realization of her own helplessness, from an experimental point of view ... And what is revealed to this very gaze of the so-called "third parties"? A quite enviable picture, by the way .... Such, you know, shrouded in a haze of carelessness, luck and even, I’m not afraid of the word, success. Truly a "sugar" shell. Scraps of phrases of many interlocutors (random and not so) with which life has come across instantly pop up in my head. If you combine the essence of all exclamations in a few words, then it comes down to something like this: “Beautiful, smart, everything is with you ....” Brrrr !!! Oddly enough, sometimes such compliments begin to no longer caress vanity, but cause this stupid, pressing feeling of hopelessness, squeezing the throat. It feels like trying to get out of a closed dark room and knocking desperately on the door, but you understand that all attempts are useless, because you need a rescue key, but it is not ... And it is not clear whether anyone will bring it ... In other words, today it takes place there’s some kind of terrific “inconsistency”: from the outside it seems that you are a winner of life and a swarm of vile thoughts there can be no place in your head ... But in fact, everything is not so, and, alas, poisonous and bloodthirsty thoughts pierce the brain as if vultures, thereby depriving you of any hint of d an emotional balance, and, consequently, a light, sparkling energy ... Here is such a life ... in your world ... in which you don’t love yourself at all .... And all this deliberate self-confidence, bordering sometimes with some kind of antics and haupalism, is nothing but as a way to hide emotional vulnerability and vulnerability.
And this "wonderful" chronic inability to be happy .... This is really a real disease, which is infected, apparently, even in childhood and which can hardly be cured ... True, happiness needs to be learned ... from the earliest years ... with the first steps and the first words ... Learning to look for it is not in the surrounding world, as it may seem at first glance, but in yourself, in your soul. Because only there you can find it, because in the external environment it is not there, it is simply not there, however paradoxical it may sound .... Look around, look around: everything is falling apart like a house of cards, all morals, foundations and rules .... Something remained unshakable, sacred and unshakable? Nothing, this is all the utopia of those who prefer to follow the principles of hypocrisy and simply turn a blind eye to much of what is happening. Injustice, constant moral mockery of one another, which often disguises itself under the beautiful word “love”, resentment, betrayal, lies .... And this is not a complete list of destructive factors that impede happiness in the outside world ... That is why the only way is to create miracles in to your head and enjoy them, embodying the ideas of this very happiness in this way. Only that which is created inside you has at least some chance of a long existence, everything else can collapse overnight .... With one call, meeting or conversation ....